Life vs. List

I didn't write my list of resolutions expecting all of them to get done right away. I did write them expecting them to be my guide to remember my priorities for 2012. That was true for all of them expect for one

... the one about decluttering and organizing our home...

I found myself being obsessive and relentless about this goal. What makes it even worse is I didn't just do this to myself I was this way with my family as well. Part of that goal for me was to create and stick to a weekly cleaning schedule which when I finished equated to 2 loads of laundry a day and 1- thirty minute chore. No biggy right? Right! Determination is needed to change, well just remember that as I share these stories.

I visited my friend Heidi on the first Thursday of the month after picking Porter up from school. I had spent the morning doing my chores while P was at school and still had a few to go. Before our visit I was getting really frustrated with Porter's behavior, I even complained about it to Heidi. Honestly, P is 2 1/2 years old now and he understands everything that a typical child his age does but he can't communicate even half of what he understands. I can't imagine how frustrated he must get and it comes out negatively sometimes. As we drove to Heidi's I was going through my daily task list. I still had a load of laundry to fold, dinner to make, YW lesson to work on, and temple exchange to get ready for. Then shortly after complaining about Porter's behavior Heidi showed me something. Porter just wanted attention and love. She was giving it to him and he was behaving. He cuddled with her, talked sweetly with her and it was nice for both of them. On our way home it stuck in my mind and softened my heart. That afternoon instead of battling out snack time which seemed to only end with tossed food and time out, I let Porter sit in my lap to eat. There wasn't a problem. He fed himself with no mess. After he finished he turned around and hugged me. Humbled, but I guess it wasn't enough.

Some of you may have seen this facebook status the other day:

ME EATING CROW: I thought Aaron Gelter was being a baby over a cold this weekend. Well the worst of it caught up to me and he immediately took the day off, took the kids and let me rest. He is a better person than me. Sorry honey. :(

The reason I felt I needed to appologize to him was because when he was feeling as misrable as I was I dragged his butt and both kids to the hardware store to buy supplies for my laundry room storage. They are what will keep me from having laundry in our living room everyday all day. Buying the supplies ended up being more complicated than anticipated and with 2 children who didn't feel well our patience was running a little thin. I even thought a few times that I should just forget it and take my family home. But did I listen? NO! (downward head shake) I kept pushing. We got home with all the supplies we needed. We got the kids to bed and I had a minute to reflect. I literally thought, "Maybe I just have to be a nasty, naggy, pushy person for things to get done around here." Ugh, I felt pretty disgusted with myself and decided to just privately apologize to Aaron. Then again when I got so sick and he was positive and supportive.

2 stories 1 lesson. Let go of the way you think it should be Meg! I'm sitting in my family room, which I've been hoping to get clean for the past week. This is not the house I had envisioned for 2012. Does that mean I failed? That my resolutions should be tossed out the window? Absolutely not! My resolve is just as strong to improve our lives through these goals. Am I going to keep up the MUST get done attitude. Nope! My house may get messy, but my children are worth it. That doesn't mean it won't ever be clean again or that there will never be a time in my life when my house will be orderly more regularly. All it means is that at this time my children's needs and personalities are such that they take the majority of my attention. I'll just go ahead and admit it... Porter and Priya love each other (we see it every day) but they have yet to learn how to play nicely together. Never being able to leave them means no hands free time for Mama. Their naps don't overlap, either. I just need to be honest with myself about my situation and what I can and want to do with my time. They're only little once and this time of my life will pass. I know I'll miss it. With that in mind I choice to enjoy it while it's here. Even if I forget and I write these posts about doing better too frequently.

{She is growing up so fast. I love this older baby phase we're in right now.}

{He loves stomping in crunchy snow}

{Playing in the dog's kennel never gets old for him}

Lately this phrase goes through my head over and over. "Live in the moment, not for the moment." Have you ever had this thought, "That would make a great blog post?" "That would be so awesome!" and visions of how it should be go through your head. I've thought about this little self created affirmation of mine and what it really means to me. I want to be present in my life. I don't want to be planning my present away for grand moments in the future. There always needs to be some planning and planning makes for some great moments, but I get lost in how I think things should be and overlook how spectacular they are right now. I'll end with one more resolution:

Remember my goals while not letting them make me feel negatively about myself. Remember to keep my eyes open to the positive. Breathe in my family.

{Homemade pizza night is one plan that has had awesome results! It too required some practice, mistakes and learning.}