Grown Up

I'm really not smitten with the feeling.  Hopefully, it will pass but we're doing lots of grown up things theses days taking up lots of time.

1. car shopping our beloved Betsy passed away. Here's a copy of her obituary: Betsy Escort Gelter was pronounced dead this morning. She reached the ripe old age of 199,400 before she met her demise. She was a good and faithful car for 10 years to me and lovingly accepted Aaron after our marriage. She brought our family many happy and colorful memories. Today we were able to find hope for Betsy in the hand of a new owner who hopes to bring her new life in the form of a transmission transplant. Betsy you will always be remembered and deeply missed. RIP :'(
2.  meetings- for the kids, for church, for refinancing you name it there have been lots of them. 
3. 5 year- since we lost Daddy.
4. more car shopping-  For the last week every moment on the computer has been spent looking for a car that meets our requirements.  I decided to give myself a day off from the hunt, I'm ignoring the calls from all the sales men who are giving me their BEST price for the 3rd time and instead am trying to restore order to our home. 
5. illness-  Porter has been sick since his surgery.  As soon as we were through recovery he got a sinus infection, then a terrible virus.  Priya also got the virus.  It involved scary high fevers and blisters all over their skin.  They are on the mend and I'm keeping them home for the next week to try and build their immune systems back up.  I'm not very good at staying in, we'll see if I last.
6. Big decisions- I can't write about it here, but there was a very large decision we had to make.  There was tons of talking, prayer and options. 
7. Injury- I've never felt so bad for my husband as I did Saturday night when he walked back in the door 10 minutes after leaving for his nightly run.  He has been nursing an injury hoping it wouldn't get worse, but it seems he'll have to take some time off.  He's such a sad little boy.  He's devastated. :(
8. babies- (not an announcement)  they're everywhere right now.  tiny and new.  So many friends have had babies this month.  I've seriously thought about having another kid because it's a good year for friends and cousins.  Alas, not a good enough reason. 
9. mother's day- was a fail (the kid's were miserable) with the exception of the Beautiful Gerber arrangement Aaron sent me.  So we're rescheduling it.  
10. more car shopping- I made a sales man cry, well he was doing his best not to cry, but there were tears.  I feel like asking before I even talk to them, "Can we still be friends if I tell you "no"?  Because it's very likely I will."  Guess that's the name of the game. 

There is so much more I want to post about like my darling kids, but there just isn't time.  I can't even get pictures up today.  I'm sorry.  We're doing really well considering all that has been happening and I just wanted to say I haven't forgotten you little blog.  It's just not my season. 

Blather

Aaron calls this "White Trash" (but doesn't hesitate to join in).  Sure, it's not the most eye pleasing front porch furnishings, but I think it's a little slice of happy.  I should also add that I put a kiddy gate up to block off the stairs and trap the children, Aaron thinks that's really white trash, but I think it's practical.  Having my kids outside in the sunlight, breeze and fresh air just makes me happy all the way to my toes!  Not having to chase them away from our very busy street only adds to that feeling.

I know that I write honestly about the not-so-pretty moments of being a stay at home mom mother.  I like being honest.  I fear that some of that has been taken as negative feelings about being a mother.  To shed some light on my feelings about this and just to get it out I'm going to write about some of the struggling emotions I've had about Porter lately.

Porter is my first baby, he's also my child with special needs, he's my buddy through and through.  Porter is growing up on us and we have to make some rather heavy choices about his future right now.  We're going through hoops to get him in state funded preschool (because they have amazing resources available) and Tuesday was a complete roller-coaster ride for me and I felt like I was completely alone in my battle.  That's just silly of me.  There are lots of people invested in this process but they weren't available for different reasons, including Aaron.  At one point I just started crying, I couldn't hold it back I needed to let it out.  Porter does very well for a child with Down Syndrome, but he is developmentally delayed compared to a typical peer.  He's something of an anomaly and the state (and us) don't always know what to do with him.  We're currently fighting with the state because they are trying to tell us that he doesn't qualify for services because he's doing so well for a child with Down Syndrome -- he's still delayed so we believe he needs services!

Several months ago I called school after school searching for a private preschool that Porter could attend in addition to public preschool.  We final found a match and I felt good about it.  Well, we got his acceptance letter this week and I have been questioning my decision like crazy today.  "Is this really the right school for him?  I haven't prayed about this enough, am I missing the Lord's path for us?  Is this the right choice?"  Raising my children is something I consider a great privilege and honor.  I don't take the matter lightly, but I have zero experience with special needs and little to go off of so I feel like I'm just winging it.  There is good and bad to not knowing anything.  I have no preset expectations of "This is what you do", but at the same time I have no idea what I'm doing!  I remember looking my mother squarely in the eyes as she weeped with me at my hospital bedside after hearing Porter had Down Syndrome and telling her, "He is a blessing.  I want to do everything I can in my power to make his life good.  I am going to do everything I can for him."  I still have this feeling, but wonder, "Am I?"  Life takes on a normalcy and makes me comfortable with how things are going.  Now it's time for things to change and I'm questioning everything I've been doing...was it enough?  

I'm struggling with letting go of Porter.  12 to 15 hours of his weekday hours away from me.  Uhh... no thank you!  I love having my children with me.  That doesn't mean I don't need time away from them every once in a while, but I want to be with them.  I feel so strongly about this that I have seriously considered homeschooling our children.  It's an overwhelming thought, but not one I'm done considering yet.  I know that if things don't go in a way that I feel are beneficial I won't hesitate to pull him out and do school at home.  There is also this truth, though: Porter needs other people!  He responds well to other adults and learns a lot from them.  I don't want this time of life to end.  I don't want to put my baby on a bus to school.  I don't want to let go. :(  How did 3 come so quickly?  He'll be 5 before I know it and I'll have to let go every day.  

Along with these schooling decisions I think about what are the most important lessons we can teach our children.  Funny thing is that in my mind Academics don't make the top of that list for me.  Please do not mistake me.  Academics are very important, but I personally do not consider them the most important. 

• Love comes first.  This includes Love of- self, family, others, Our Savior and the gospel. 
• Respect
• Independence
• Communication- in a healthy and appropriate manner with all who are in our realm of life. 
• Listening- to directions, the spirit, your feelings. 

I put all of these things above academics skills.  Many of these can be learned while being in school programs but others I feel like need to be taught at home.  Like the gospel.  I think about my kids being at school all day and worry about how I'm going to fit adequate gospel study in there.  Oh and I forgot a big one on that list.

• FUN- my children already know how to do this, but I feel like it must be encouraged and reinforced.  I want them to know how to feel gratitude for all that they have, giggle in the moment and really feel alive with joy.  That's fun to me.

Sorry, to spend so much of this post blathering, but all this multiplied by 25 has been trapped in my head all day.  You can see how I'd be overwhelmed.  Having a child with special needs has made me challenge some of the things that society implanted in my thinking.  Like, "You can only be happy if you...do well in school... run faster than everyone else... are the best or dang close to it... have a career...get noticed..." etc.  I'm not saying Porter won't go to college or work successfully in a career, it's not for me to say.  But when you have to be okay with whatever your child may be and stop forcing that rubbish on them and yourself it's kind of liberating.  The simple truth is Porter will be what he will be.  The simple truth is that same is true for Priya.  We can guide them, teach them but ultimately they will determine WHO they will be.  They were (still are really) our spiritual Brother's and Sister's before they agreed to be my children.  They are their own spirits.  They just so graciously decided to let me be their mother here on earth.  Before Porter was born we had written in our Trust that our children could not inherit anything unless they had a college diploma or were 30 years old.  We haven't changed it, but I do challenge that thinking in myself often.  I don't think it's bad to question ourselves, but man I'm tired.

I sent this to Aaron it said, "I'm tired."

I do know this.  While I am overwhelmed and fearful I'm glad it's me.  I'm so grateful I'm Porter's mother and that I get to worry about him like this.  I'm grateful for every moment with my children.  You don't believe me, right?  Well, I am.  The good and the bad make all of us better.  I'm so glad they are mine.  Now ask them in 5 years and they probably won't be so grateful that they're mine, but I hope and pray I can do right by them.  It's a hard thing being a mother, but it's also such a Christlike experience that I believe Heavenly Father blesses mother like no one else.  

***Mom did answer her phone, so I really wasn't alone.  She got me through Special Education so she was very helpful. ***

Thinking of you!

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately.   We are BUSY and it just seems to be continuing.   We are in a time of transition and change.  Throw in a small surgery and recovery for Porter... well no time for details on the blog.  I hope to get to it soon.  In the meantime know I'm thinking of you, Grandmas (you're my truer than true readers).  p.s. I won't lie play time always trumps blogging.  We may be busy but we're also having a good time.