Grateful Humbled Heart

Tonight Porter earned a reward ice cream sundae and he got to stay up late to have it so Sister wouldn't be jealous.  After he finished his special treat I had him help me clean up his dishes and we sat down together.  I asked for a hug and he let me hold him close and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this amazing tiny 3 year old who is my son.  I started crying and Porter asked, "You okay, you alright?"  I pulled him back to look him in the eyes doing my best to smile, so he could understand what I was going to tell him and said, "Mommy just loves you SO much!  You mean Everything to me!"  He started to giggle and cuddled in close.  We stayed like that for a few minutes.

Raising a child who isn't always able to do everything we hope for him can be so heartbreaking, disappointing and painful.  We recently had to pull Porter out of his private preschool.  I've known for awhile that things weren't going well.  Porter would just fall apart when I would pick him up and from some reading I've done I've learned that children save their deepest emotions for those whom they feel safest with.  This left me very concerned about the emotions he was experiencing at school.  His teachers loved him dearly, but the structure of the school was such that in 2 short hours there were 10 transitions...which is a LOT.  You add special needs and sensory processing struggles in there and it was so difficult for him.  Talking openly and honestly with strangers about my child's weaknesses took so much courage on my part.  He is my child, an intimate and private part of my soul.  Having to talk candidly about his difficulties, while emphasizing all of his amazing feats was really intense for me.  The bottom line of the situation was that it was not the right thing to be doing for Porter.  He was unhappy there and he'll make more progress at home with me.   All of this has been disappointing.  When someone you love so much isn't able to do what you'd longed for them to do... and we wanted that for him hoping it would bring him happiness... it's been hard.

We now find ourselves in a very tough transition during one of the busiest times of the year: trying to develop the perfect home school curriculum for our son.  Creating a new schedule and routine during the Holidays has left my mind buzzing every moment I'm awake and many when I should be sleeping.   I'm not rushing, but I also feel that the sooner we can get started the better.  I am also so excited to have those 2 days of the week back with Porter.  I'm excited to be doing home schooling with him because I know him better than any teacher ever will.  Porter is a tremendous gift and I'm glad to have him back.  He is not perfect like many people say children with Down Syndrome are because anyone who knows him well knows he's naughty at times and he knows it.  However, he is the PERFECT example of unconditional LOVE.  He is teaching me so much about life.  Things that are important to me really aren't as important to him.  We have to live in a world that knows so very little about unconditional love, that frightens me.  I know that Aaron and I can provide Porter with a safe and loving place for as long as we're on this earth with him.  I believe his siblings will take over for us when we no longer are able to do that for him.  I guess my jist in all of this is that I often feel so much like I've been smacked in the face with a reality that isn't what I was hoping for, that is painful, hard to accept, but that doesn't mean it isn't good.  It's teaching me to look at life creatively and with an open minded perspective on what really matters in life.

I often feel like the Lord has to Humble me because I am no good at doing it myself.  The Lord needs me to be a better woman and sometimes that requires being forced to learn lessons that hurt because becoming stronger is often painful.  I see now that going through life with Porter is making me face with all the ferociousness in my soul my greatest weakness and fear, "What will others think of me or my family?"  I worry about that.  I am learning that what others think of me, perceive of me and my family doesn't really matter.  What other's think of me could never be correct because I am the only person who knows the intent of my heart, what I have done or have not done, what I believe, what I cherish and hold dear?  I am also the only person who completely understands my weaknesses.  Heavenly Father and I are the only people who can correctly say, "I KNOW Who Meghann Lynn Sorenson Gelter Is."  Everyone else can think what they like.  When I start to care too much what others might (because I'm never going to really truly know what other's think) believe of me I try to check myself and recenter myself.  Being okay in my own skin was unavoidable necessity after Porter was born because now people stare, good intentions or not, they see him and I'm usually standing right next to him.  The incredible thing is that the vast majority of people in my life love me, period.  Anyone who takes 2 minutes to open their heart to Porter LOVES him, because Porter loves them, period.  I'm also learning that as I stand bravely on my own foundation and be myself unashamed of who I am... I can do so much more good than when I'm constantly frightened of what other's may think of me.  Porter has challenged me to be a better person.

When I say to Porter, "You are everything to me."  I mean it.  There is a constant and ever present whisper that reminds me that this tremendous little person is an incredibly valuable spirit whom God may call home at any moment as He often does with these very special people who have DS.  Being his Mother isn't easy but every challenge I've faced has been paid back to me when I share the most incredible journey of loving Porter as his Mother.  I can not explain it, but I am so grateful Porter and his very special chosen sister Priya were sent to Aaron and I.

This was just going to be a little post about ice cream.  I guess I had a little more I needed to get out.

Love you all,
Meghann

P.S. Please note: the only reason I'm sharing something so personal is because I believe it is only when we are authentic that we're able to experience empathy with/for others.  While I often feel alone and like I'm the only person who's had these feelings I refuse to believe that I'm the only person who knows what this feels like.  I decided to publish this only because maybe it will help someone else feel less isolated.  While I believe in God and feel comfort in His presence in my life; I just want to remind friend of mine who do not believe the same as I that I love you, that I cheer for you, please don't feel alone.