There have been many times when I've thought about posting this publicly but I just haven't because it's really between me and Aaron and nobody else. But, it's what has been going on with me so I'm being bold and daring to share. What you're about to read is a short (I know can you believe it) version of what you would find on my private blog hashing out these questions. As we continue to prepare for our baby I have a constant checklist running through my mind and we're doing fairly well. But there is one matter that is unresolved and it's eating at me. The question is: Will Meg be a Full Time Stay At Home Mommy or a Full Time Mommy working as a Part Time teacher? Neither Aaron nor I feel full time is an acceptable option.
This question started tormenting me about 4 months ago, but as we prayed about it we both got the impression that it wasn't the right time to decide. We've been to the temple again this week seeking an answer to this question and both of us still feel strongly it's still not time to decide. My big thing is not wanting to live with regrets or questions like, "I wonder if?" I hate that feeling! This combined with the answer to our prayers being, "wait" has left this matter teetering in limbo. Here are the recent thoughts:
Someone in my life recently made me feel (intentionally or not, I don't know) that me even thinking about working was a sin because it's not a necessity for our family. This person made me feel that working for my joy and love of teaching was wrong and an injustice to my child. Might I say this just made me angry and my aggressive personality wants to work just so I can contradict this person, but that's not a good way to go about life. This has been a huge matter of reflection and study for me personally the last 4 months and during one morning of study I had an overwhelming impression of, "It's not a sin." There have been many, many women who have had to make this decision and I am not the only one who has struggled to give up her career! We're all different and it being a sad thought for me to think about turning off the teacher inside me for Mommy does not make me a bad person!
I think the desire to work comes from this last year's attempt to be a stay at home wife. It's hard to admit but I slipped into depression very quickly being home all day long and trapped in this horrifying feeling like there was nothing to look forward to in myself. Jumping back into my career brought back those pieces of myself. I know that being home with an infant is different but I'm scared this could happen again and I might lose myself again! I don't want that to happen! Partly because it hurt me, but I can't imagine feeling that way would make me a better mother. This is where my next question comes in, what will make me the best Mom I can be?
I really enjoy the thought of being home as well. I like the thought of being able to manage home, family, and gospel as a home maker. It actually sounds very restful in comparison to the competitive and stressful work environment. There are so many things that I would like to do/be better at as a home maker and perhaps this would be the chance I need to shine in that role. I find myself wondering, "do I have the strength needed to be productive and feel like I'm making a difference if I stay home?" I know that if I stay home I'll need something just for Meg. It doesn't have to be big; a goal that I move towards a little each week. I need something selfish and all about Meg. Maybe that's wrong, but I think it would help me keep in touch with this person I like to call "Self". I'm sure many of you have had seasons in your life where you've needed something just for you, what did you do? Running a marathon, take classes towards an additional educational endorsement, book clubs, a gym membership? What worked for you?
I'm also a little nervous about our answer of "wait". Is there something in our future that will require my income? My career has provided savings and a buffer financially, it's nice. I find myself wondering what would happen if, heaven forbid, we lost Aaron's income and I wasn't working? It does make me a little nervous with the economy the way it is. Don't worry, there haven't been any indications of such a thing happening, but it does cross my mind.
I'm looking forward to finding the answer that works for MY family. I know that if we listen to the promptings of the spirit after prayerful study and wait for a confirmation of what path Heavenly Father wants US to take those regrets and fears I worry about wont haunt me. I'll be able to look back and say, "I did what my Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Be faithful to your answer." I want that peace, but I'm getting a little impatient for our answer. :) I'll let you know when we get there.
Please feel free to leave a comment. I only ask that if you do it be positive. I would also appreciate it if you didn't leave your opinion if you haven't actually experienced it (i.e. "I don't like it when people...") I just want to hear the good things about your experiences. Those kind of comments will be the most helpful, if that makes any sense. Can you see why I've been nervous to post this? It's so very personal.
3 comments:
I think maybe you don't mind if I comment since our lives are pretty similar! :) In my personal experience, I couldn't wait to NOT teach and stay at home full time, and now that I have for almost two years I have felt those feeling of losing myself. It is really hard to stay home full time, which is why I recently decided to start subbing. I think it would be easier to try teaching part time and quitting later, than staying home first and trying to get back into it if you want to. I love staying home with Logan, and I have felt selfish for wanting to do something for myself, but I need it! And I don't have the opportunity now to get back into teaching. It's definitely an answer you need to wait to receive for you personally, this is just how it's been for me. I know you'll be guided to make the right decision and you'll be at peace with it! Either choice is going to be hard, but worth it.
I am married to Aaron's cousin Jared I found your blog from Aunt Ann's I know a little about what you are feeling I went back and forth about should I go back to work or not. I tried to figure out if I could work part time (wasn't going to work for my job) I finally decided to stay home. I think if I could have worked part time I would have. I love staying home, but since I don't work I have to do a lot of other things. I go to playgroups during the day (even before our baby could play) I started doing photography and taking classes in it. I did a book club I go to a lot of the enrichment. IF I don't get out a do things I like I get depressed and that doesn't help with being a mommy. It is your own decision and I am sure what ever you decide will work out. Good Luck it all works out. Our heavenly father knows what is best and it is different for everyone, but it will all work out in the end it always does. And if you want to check out our blog it is jess-jaredsorensen.blogspot.com
Just 2 things to share: NOBODY will care for or love your child the way you will. That said, living an ENRICHED life that challenges you, interests you, gets you outside of the home occasionally, and develops your talents will make you a better wife and mother. Big decision but you have already consulted the 2 whose opnion matters most. Good Luck!
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