Call Me Jaded

The other day I met someone going into social work. I started thinking about how this career was what I thought I wanted to do during high school. I loved helping people and making a difference. Then after some bad experiences where people I loved and wanted to help manipulated me, used me, and eventually hurt me deeply, I realized I get too involved and would give up to much of myself if I went into social work. So, instead I chose teaching. All through college I loved every minute of teaching and adored most of my students. I had some of the most joyful days of my life during student teaching. I knew that I was a good teacher and that my students were growing and learning. I had really never been happier. I took my first job with lots of optimism that it would be difficult but wonderful. I really believed that I would be happy.

Now I find myself jaded and unwilling to seek out another teaching position because I was so unhappy last year. There were so many things that were stacked against me last year that it's no wonder it wasn't a great experience, but you always hope you're strong enough to overcome. The demands of the classroom were large enough, but I was also scared of a situation in my classroom (that I couldn't change). Looking back now I realize just how much that fear made me shut down! I didn't want to go to work, I hated it! I slowly stopped interacting with the staff, I tried to cut myself off from other teachers. I'd watch them and see them enjoying each day and wonder what was wrong with me. I still wanted to do a good job for my students but the focus shifted from work to family and the future. Now I understand that I was looking forward to the future so much because I knew I was going to be able to get out of my unhappy environment. I want to teach again, I want to find a place where I can teach and truly be happy like I was during student teaching. Right now, however, I'm more concerned with keeping myself healthy and happy so we can start a family. I really could teach one more year before we could start a family, but in my head I think, "Why risk it?" It would be good for me to have a good experience before dropping out of the game for a family, but I'm too worried. I know the right district and classroom is out there for me. I'm just JADED and unwilling to risk it. I'm scared of this because I know that not making risks in life leads to regret. Oh bother!